change of sites

I am changing this site to Wordpress.  The best way to access my blog is by going to hopeforhurtingparents.com  You will also be able to connect to Dena's blog as well as our website.
Thanks

hard work in an incredible environment

Last week Dena and I had the privilege of joining a large organization for their conferences in Winter Park Colorado.  We were invited to be "resource" people, available to meet with their staff who may be having issues with their teen or adult children. 

We aren't counselors, experts, or necessarily wise.  Just parents who have walked that hard and painful road.  It was exhausting but very meaningful for us to take part in these hurting parents lives.  We laughed, wept together and prayed together.  At the end of each hour meeting we left as friends.

One thing we heard often was the word "safe."  We want to be safe people.  Safe compassionate people for those whose pain is too deep to be alone.

Thank you Jesus that you are always safe, full of compassion for the hurts we carry.  You will not turn us away in our time of need.  Thank you, thank you again!

unforgiveness, a heart disease

The message was unique yesterday at church. It was given by Don Cousins. The topic was unforgiveness.  The Bible passage used in the message was Matthew 18:21-35.  Hearing messages on unforgiveness was not unique but it was unique to me in the strong emphasis on verses 34-35 of the passage. 


"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."   Jesus
What happens when we do not forgive people who hurt us?  Two things, torture and justice.


The application: take the hurts in my life and the people who caused them and turn them over to God! Forgiveness in this way will result in freedom and mercy.

A video about forgiveness with Mary Karen Read's last words in her journal entry before her death at the Virginia tech shooting.


Done by Cru at UCF.

guilt and a song

As a father I can easily get caught in the guilt over what my daughter did.  I feel guilt over what I did and should not have done.  I feel guilt over what I should have done but did not do.  I feel guilt over the quantity of what good I did, "was it enough?"  IF ONLY I had...

Then I found a song!  It's called the Song of the Vineyard in Isaiah 5 verses 1-5.  The song is about God and Israel.  God did everything perfect in planting his vineyard; fertile hillside, cleared it of stones, planted choicest vines, watchtower and wine press. "Then he looked for a crop of good grapes but it yielded only bad fruit."

God even raises the question I often struggle with and invites human judgement on his gardening skills, "What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it?  When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad?" 

This parallels parenting.  It is  possible to do all the right things with our children and they still may turn to destructive and unfruitful ways. Or do we think we can do better than God?

Notice that the "why" question was never answered.  God moves past the "why" to "what he will do now!"

I'm NOT saying my parenting was perfect, it was flawed at best but perhaps it's time to move past "guilt,"  find comfort in a song and take steps to move forward!

in the beginning God...

Genesis Chapter 1 tells me that in the beginning God created everything and it was good!  Man and his wife could eat of any tree but one.  Perfect environment, no sin, no sin nature, no bad parent to mess them up and they could not follow one simple order!  Is God a bad parent because of the decision his children made?

thinking about pain and purpose

Our daughter has experienced considerable pain.  Pain is what drove her to do some of the destructive things she has done to herself.  That is what she has said to us and what her counselors, with her permission, have said to us.  Her book of journals is called Purpose for the Pain. 


There is another pain I write about.  It is not to minimize or diminish my daughter's pain.  It is however another pain.  The pain that a mother and father feels when their children make destructive decisions.  It hurts when someone you love hurts.  When our children hurt, we hurt.  It is painful and sometimes feels unbearable.  Numbness, paralysis, confusion and  panic come with it especially in the midst of a crisis.  We cry and breakdown then agonize in prayer to God hoping for a quick and immediate "fix" or answer to the pain in all of us.  For us at least the answer did not come quick and when it did come it came more as a process and unfolding not a completion. 


The Bible speaks about "trials."  Not court trials like the trial of Casey Anthony going on in Orlando now but trials of another kind.  In fact the Bible uses words like "various" or "many kinds" to describe these trials we all face.  While the immediate trial mentioned in the Bible is probably more connected to the persecution of believers in Jesus, I think the "various and many kinds" would encompass what we go through as parents.


Here is what I am getting at.  Trials (and associated pain) as mentioned in the Bible is called a "test" and specifically a test of "faith."  Trials are used by God to test the genuineness of our faith in God.  Our faith in God is considered of greater worth than gold!  It's a big deal, our faith, and big enough that God will allow all kinds of trials in order to test it and prove it's genuineness since the goal of our faith is the salvation of our souls.


Another way of putting this is, are you going to allow the destructive decisions of someone else, even someone you love, to cause you to loose your soul?  Isn't the whole point behind the greatest commandment in the Bible is to love God supremely and totally, MORE than we love anyone else?  Would you give up on your faith if Casey Anthony is convicted of murder?  Would you give up your faith over Congressman Wiener's decisions?  No, because you probably don't know these people and don't have a loving relationship with them.  Will you give up your faith if someone you love destroys themselves?  If the answer is yes, then who do you love more, God or your child?

words and happy feet

Sometimes I get so tired of words. (I know it seems ironic since I have to use them to tell you what I'm feeling about them!)  I feel bombarded all day long by them and some of them are very hard to process. With all the new technology and access to words I just feel overwhelmed!  It doesn't really matter what the words are or mean, I'm just tired of them in general.

When this begins to happen to me I have found two very good places of refuge.  The first place is the place I go least often but in reality the most important.  Silence...turn off the radio, get away from the computer and cell phone, find a comfortable chair (or a bed for that matter) close my eyes and just be still (but not sleeping.  That's like cheating.)  It isn't really silent however but it is "wordless."  You have heard the phrase, "the silence was deafening."  Perhaps that's the ringing I hear in my ears when everything else is quiet.  I don't have a clue what that ring is but when I try to just sit silently I can hear it so clearly.

The second refuge is wordless smooth jazz!  Classical music would work too but it's too slow for me most of the time and could put me to sleep.  Smooth Jazz!  Yes, upbeat, happy sounding and awesome.  I don't want wordless pieces of written songs because if I'm familiar with it the words start flying through my head and I'll start to sing along.  Nobody wants to hear me sing along with anything, trust me on this!  Pandora Radio is a pleasant discovery because I can "thumbs up" the ones I like and hear more of that type.  My most recent thumbs up is by David Sanborn and titled Chicago Song.  As I wrote on my Facebook, "listening to to this song gives me happy feet!

These two places of refuge help me the most when I'm feeling in the mood to get away from words.  They have also been a refreshing place to go when feeling the hurts from facing times of crisis.

success and failure

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts"
-Winston Churchill

This seems so appropriate today as news of a friend's relapse came today.  I am so glad for his safety and honesty.  Anything can happen in a relapse and it takes courage to tell someone else you have relapsed.  I am also very grateful he is back in meetings, counseling and seeking God.

I remember one of the most painful conversations with my daughter.  It was perhaps one of the most honest adult conversations we have had and it occurred in a relapse.  She told me that all the alcoholics in the treatment center that succeed "know when they are done."  She then followed it up with words that made my heart sink, "Dad, I don't think I am done."

My reaction was surprising as I reflected back on it.  I didn't argue, yell, plead etc.  I calmly replied similar to the calm in which she told the news, "but you don't control what being done looks like. Done could mean dead, it could mean disabled, it could mean institutionalized including jail or prison."  She said, "I know daddy but I don't think I'm done." 

It was such a sad night.  It's sadness easily returns just remembering it.  I am so grateful that she is not dead, disabled, institutionalized or in jail.  She is safe, pursuing a passion, heading in a good direction and I hope, still done.  "Courage to continue is what counts!"  Thanks Winston and especially, thank you God!

hitting bottom

This small phrase is usually used in the context of addiction.  Someone needs to "hit bottom" before finding their way to the top.  In the well known passage in the New Testament we read about a son who wanted his portion of the inheritance now in order to go off and live a life of his own pleasures.  Once the money was squandered and all his friends had left he had to take a lowly job that was both hard and messy just to put something into his stomach.  Scripture uses the phrase, "he came to his senses."  I think they are one and the same concept.

What we do not often hear is that in a parenting situation when a child rebels and insists on living a "wild lifestyle" there is more than one person who needs to hit bottom or come to their senses.  We as parents also need to hit bottom and come to our senses.

This is when we stop enabling, start setting boudaries, stop tolerating behavior we wouldn't tolerate in other situations or relationships, repent of our own sin, humble ourselves before our Heavenly Father and ask for mercy.

slow and steady

On February 4, 2011 I stepped on the bathroom scale and discovered a shocking reality.  Fast fatty food and little, if any, exercise causes weight gain. Imagine that! So I made a decision to lose weight and build strength and fitness.  I have lost 24 pounds, several inches and working on a plan to run a 5K in 3 weeks.  I have been averaging 1.5 lbs per week for almost 4 months.

From reading on the Internet I discovering several "trackers." I have documented this journey by measuring the foods I eat, water I drink and exercise I get on a daily basis.  I have also altered the foods I eat.  There have been relapses and I have not sworn off fast food entirely. But I try to make sure that I still hit my set goals for the day...most days!


For me a good deterrent for eating some foods is looking at the calories in the food.  I then translate those calories in my mind to how many minutes it will require me on the treadmill or elliptical training to burn those calories off.  Example: Burger King Whopper is about 660 calories.  At 10 calories per minute on the treadmill or elliptical, I will need to be exercising for 66 minutes!!!


While I like that taste of many fruits, I just didn't choose them when picking what to eat.  Now I'm consuming Cantaloupe, Bananas and Apples to fill me in between or with meals.  I've increased my water consumption dramatically to almost 8-8 oz glasses of water a day. 


I certainly don't have it figured out and as I mentioned there are times when the Frito's find their way into my shopping cart, into my home and into my mouth.  But I like the way I feel and I don't stretch out my clothes the way I used to! Nice!

I have learned that "tracking" is like accountability.  I need it in my life.  It helps me count the cost of my decisions. Relapse can take place in any journey of change.  Let me remember how I feel when I am pursuing health in all areas of life including my relationship with God.