change of sites

I am changing this site to Wordpress.  The best way to access my blog is by going to hopeforhurtingparents.com  You will also be able to connect to Dena's blog as well as our website.
Thanks

hard work in an incredible environment

Last week Dena and I had the privilege of joining a large organization for their conferences in Winter Park Colorado.  We were invited to be "resource" people, available to meet with their staff who may be having issues with their teen or adult children. 

We aren't counselors, experts, or necessarily wise.  Just parents who have walked that hard and painful road.  It was exhausting but very meaningful for us to take part in these hurting parents lives.  We laughed, wept together and prayed together.  At the end of each hour meeting we left as friends.

One thing we heard often was the word "safe."  We want to be safe people.  Safe compassionate people for those whose pain is too deep to be alone.

Thank you Jesus that you are always safe, full of compassion for the hurts we carry.  You will not turn us away in our time of need.  Thank you, thank you again!

unforgiveness, a heart disease

The message was unique yesterday at church. It was given by Don Cousins. The topic was unforgiveness.  The Bible passage used in the message was Matthew 18:21-35.  Hearing messages on unforgiveness was not unique but it was unique to me in the strong emphasis on verses 34-35 of the passage. 


"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."   Jesus
What happens when we do not forgive people who hurt us?  Two things, torture and justice.


The application: take the hurts in my life and the people who caused them and turn them over to God! Forgiveness in this way will result in freedom and mercy.

A video about forgiveness with Mary Karen Read's last words in her journal entry before her death at the Virginia tech shooting.


Done by Cru at UCF.

guilt and a song

As a father I can easily get caught in the guilt over what my daughter did.  I feel guilt over what I did and should not have done.  I feel guilt over what I should have done but did not do.  I feel guilt over the quantity of what good I did, "was it enough?"  IF ONLY I had...

Then I found a song!  It's called the Song of the Vineyard in Isaiah 5 verses 1-5.  The song is about God and Israel.  God did everything perfect in planting his vineyard; fertile hillside, cleared it of stones, planted choicest vines, watchtower and wine press. "Then he looked for a crop of good grapes but it yielded only bad fruit."

God even raises the question I often struggle with and invites human judgement on his gardening skills, "What more could have been done for my vineyard than I have done for it?  When I looked for good grapes, why did it yield only bad?" 

This parallels parenting.  It is  possible to do all the right things with our children and they still may turn to destructive and unfruitful ways. Or do we think we can do better than God?

Notice that the "why" question was never answered.  God moves past the "why" to "what he will do now!"

I'm NOT saying my parenting was perfect, it was flawed at best but perhaps it's time to move past "guilt,"  find comfort in a song and take steps to move forward!

in the beginning God...

Genesis Chapter 1 tells me that in the beginning God created everything and it was good!  Man and his wife could eat of any tree but one.  Perfect environment, no sin, no sin nature, no bad parent to mess them up and they could not follow one simple order!  Is God a bad parent because of the decision his children made?

thinking about pain and purpose

Our daughter has experienced considerable pain.  Pain is what drove her to do some of the destructive things she has done to herself.  That is what she has said to us and what her counselors, with her permission, have said to us.  Her book of journals is called Purpose for the Pain. 


There is another pain I write about.  It is not to minimize or diminish my daughter's pain.  It is however another pain.  The pain that a mother and father feels when their children make destructive decisions.  It hurts when someone you love hurts.  When our children hurt, we hurt.  It is painful and sometimes feels unbearable.  Numbness, paralysis, confusion and  panic come with it especially in the midst of a crisis.  We cry and breakdown then agonize in prayer to God hoping for a quick and immediate "fix" or answer to the pain in all of us.  For us at least the answer did not come quick and when it did come it came more as a process and unfolding not a completion. 


The Bible speaks about "trials."  Not court trials like the trial of Casey Anthony going on in Orlando now but trials of another kind.  In fact the Bible uses words like "various" or "many kinds" to describe these trials we all face.  While the immediate trial mentioned in the Bible is probably more connected to the persecution of believers in Jesus, I think the "various and many kinds" would encompass what we go through as parents.


Here is what I am getting at.  Trials (and associated pain) as mentioned in the Bible is called a "test" and specifically a test of "faith."  Trials are used by God to test the genuineness of our faith in God.  Our faith in God is considered of greater worth than gold!  It's a big deal, our faith, and big enough that God will allow all kinds of trials in order to test it and prove it's genuineness since the goal of our faith is the salvation of our souls.


Another way of putting this is, are you going to allow the destructive decisions of someone else, even someone you love, to cause you to loose your soul?  Isn't the whole point behind the greatest commandment in the Bible is to love God supremely and totally, MORE than we love anyone else?  Would you give up on your faith if Casey Anthony is convicted of murder?  Would you give up your faith over Congressman Wiener's decisions?  No, because you probably don't know these people and don't have a loving relationship with them.  Will you give up your faith if someone you love destroys themselves?  If the answer is yes, then who do you love more, God or your child?

words and happy feet

Sometimes I get so tired of words. (I know it seems ironic since I have to use them to tell you what I'm feeling about them!)  I feel bombarded all day long by them and some of them are very hard to process. With all the new technology and access to words I just feel overwhelmed!  It doesn't really matter what the words are or mean, I'm just tired of them in general.

When this begins to happen to me I have found two very good places of refuge.  The first place is the place I go least often but in reality the most important.  Silence...turn off the radio, get away from the computer and cell phone, find a comfortable chair (or a bed for that matter) close my eyes and just be still (but not sleeping.  That's like cheating.)  It isn't really silent however but it is "wordless."  You have heard the phrase, "the silence was deafening."  Perhaps that's the ringing I hear in my ears when everything else is quiet.  I don't have a clue what that ring is but when I try to just sit silently I can hear it so clearly.

The second refuge is wordless smooth jazz!  Classical music would work too but it's too slow for me most of the time and could put me to sleep.  Smooth Jazz!  Yes, upbeat, happy sounding and awesome.  I don't want wordless pieces of written songs because if I'm familiar with it the words start flying through my head and I'll start to sing along.  Nobody wants to hear me sing along with anything, trust me on this!  Pandora Radio is a pleasant discovery because I can "thumbs up" the ones I like and hear more of that type.  My most recent thumbs up is by David Sanborn and titled Chicago Song.  As I wrote on my Facebook, "listening to to this song gives me happy feet!

These two places of refuge help me the most when I'm feeling in the mood to get away from words.  They have also been a refreshing place to go when feeling the hurts from facing times of crisis.

success and failure

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts"
-Winston Churchill

This seems so appropriate today as news of a friend's relapse came today.  I am so glad for his safety and honesty.  Anything can happen in a relapse and it takes courage to tell someone else you have relapsed.  I am also very grateful he is back in meetings, counseling and seeking God.

I remember one of the most painful conversations with my daughter.  It was perhaps one of the most honest adult conversations we have had and it occurred in a relapse.  She told me that all the alcoholics in the treatment center that succeed "know when they are done."  She then followed it up with words that made my heart sink, "Dad, I don't think I am done."

My reaction was surprising as I reflected back on it.  I didn't argue, yell, plead etc.  I calmly replied similar to the calm in which she told the news, "but you don't control what being done looks like. Done could mean dead, it could mean disabled, it could mean institutionalized including jail or prison."  She said, "I know daddy but I don't think I'm done." 

It was such a sad night.  It's sadness easily returns just remembering it.  I am so grateful that she is not dead, disabled, institutionalized or in jail.  She is safe, pursuing a passion, heading in a good direction and I hope, still done.  "Courage to continue is what counts!"  Thanks Winston and especially, thank you God!

hitting bottom

This small phrase is usually used in the context of addiction.  Someone needs to "hit bottom" before finding their way to the top.  In the well known passage in the New Testament we read about a son who wanted his portion of the inheritance now in order to go off and live a life of his own pleasures.  Once the money was squandered and all his friends had left he had to take a lowly job that was both hard and messy just to put something into his stomach.  Scripture uses the phrase, "he came to his senses."  I think they are one and the same concept.

What we do not often hear is that in a parenting situation when a child rebels and insists on living a "wild lifestyle" there is more than one person who needs to hit bottom or come to their senses.  We as parents also need to hit bottom and come to our senses.

This is when we stop enabling, start setting boudaries, stop tolerating behavior we wouldn't tolerate in other situations or relationships, repent of our own sin, humble ourselves before our Heavenly Father and ask for mercy.

slow and steady

On February 4, 2011 I stepped on the bathroom scale and discovered a shocking reality.  Fast fatty food and little, if any, exercise causes weight gain. Imagine that! So I made a decision to lose weight and build strength and fitness.  I have lost 24 pounds, several inches and working on a plan to run a 5K in 3 weeks.  I have been averaging 1.5 lbs per week for almost 4 months.

From reading on the Internet I discovering several "trackers." I have documented this journey by measuring the foods I eat, water I drink and exercise I get on a daily basis.  I have also altered the foods I eat.  There have been relapses and I have not sworn off fast food entirely. But I try to make sure that I still hit my set goals for the day...most days!


For me a good deterrent for eating some foods is looking at the calories in the food.  I then translate those calories in my mind to how many minutes it will require me on the treadmill or elliptical training to burn those calories off.  Example: Burger King Whopper is about 660 calories.  At 10 calories per minute on the treadmill or elliptical, I will need to be exercising for 66 minutes!!!


While I like that taste of many fruits, I just didn't choose them when picking what to eat.  Now I'm consuming Cantaloupe, Bananas and Apples to fill me in between or with meals.  I've increased my water consumption dramatically to almost 8-8 oz glasses of water a day. 


I certainly don't have it figured out and as I mentioned there are times when the Frito's find their way into my shopping cart, into my home and into my mouth.  But I like the way I feel and I don't stretch out my clothes the way I used to! Nice!

I have learned that "tracking" is like accountability.  I need it in my life.  It helps me count the cost of my decisions. Relapse can take place in any journey of change.  Let me remember how I feel when I am pursuing health in all areas of life including my relationship with God. 

expectations

I struggled with expectations going unmet.  I expected someone to act or behave in a certain way and they didn't.  It frustrated me.  When repeated, disappointment and anger followed my frustrations.  I asked my daughter what the Big Book said about expectations and she quickly replied, "expectations are premeditated resentments." I agree.

sandwich continued

I am sandwiched between my 10 week premature granddaughter and my nearly 92 year old father in law. She is growing stronger each day and he is struggling to regain strength lost. Joy and Sadness are my companions at the same time.

sandwich

I grew up eating sandwiches.  I carried a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with me to school almost everyday for the first 6 years!  I still like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 

But I heard of the word "sandwich" being used in another way.  It refers to a generation that is caring for children and aging parents at the same time. 

It's like Dad and Mom are the peanut butter and jelly.  (I think I would be the peanut butter and Dena would be the jelly...she is more soft and oozy)

Our kids (Michael and Becky in this case) would be the bottom layer of bread.  Dena's father would be the top layer of bread. (our elders deserve our respect and so of course the top piece of bread is only fitting)

Notice how the peanut butter and jelly start to spill over and out the edges of the sandwich.  That's cause someone applies pressure to the two slices of bread and Dad and Mom both start to ooze out and down.  Not UP but down like on the kids.  Is there symbolism there....I don't know I just like the ooze of peanut butter and jelly!! 

NOTE: Our children are not "children" any longer.  They are grown and independent adults.  They are all in their 20's at various second digits. However, we do have an aging parent living in our home.

The term sandwich crossed my mind out of two needs that have recently surfaced and their timing.  A new baby has been born 8 weeks premature to our son and his wife and Dena's elderly father has fallen down.  Both (the baby and father) are in the hospital for special care.  Both took place less than 24 hrs. apart.  Both (our son and wife and Dena's father) need our help at this time but the distance between them is about 550 miles.

I think Dena feels this "sandwich" more than I do.  She is a mother with a mother's heart and a grandmother's heart. This heart is full!  She loves being a mother and grandmother and wants to be with them! She is also the daughter of a wonderful and loving father who adores her and whom she adores.  She wants to be with him too.


So she is sandwiched between two needs and cannot meet the needs of both because of distance.  And so "sandwich" takes on another meaning like in "sandwich spread!"  We will spread ourselves and try to care for both needs the best we can.


With all this talk of food I'm suddenly hungry and it's almost lunch time...I think I'll go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

and changes again!

Wednesday afternoon we take Avery to see Mom and Dad at the hospital.  I mention we should give Dena's father a call to check on him.  I was angry because of a phone conversation I had with him Tuesday evening. Her father insisted our friends NOT check up on him by calls or visits, "it makes me uncomfortable" were his words. 

He is 91 years old!  Still very independent, prepares his own breakfast, drives his big buick each day to go out for lunch and a few groceries and exercises by walking thousands of steps.  He lives with us so if we leave town or called out for emergencies we leave him alone but talk with friends and neighbors to please keep an eye on him.

Things got going and we didn't call Dena's father.  About 6:30 p.m. our neighbor calls Dena explaining that she went to see if he wanted some food but nobody came to the door but our barking dog.  I phoned the house repeatedly over the next 45 min but no answer but the answering machine.  This is not right I thought.  We called the neighbor back and gave them access to the house.  They found Dena's father lying on the bathroom floor bloody and unable to get himself up.  He had fallen about 6 a.m. that morning and laid there for 13 hours before help arrived!!

We had the neighbor call 911 to get an ambulance to take him to the hospital.  I left SC about 3:30 a.m. Thursday morning to drive back home.  Fortunately, just his elbows were bloody from trying to get up or crawl on the bathroom floor.  No broken bones, all vital signs good!  However, he is extremely weak and unable to stand, feed or take care of himself.

OK, things change!  I have trouble with the timing and usually the money often tied into such things.  These are two resources that are limited.  BUT...

I am deeply grateful that today, while not the circumstances we want, our family is being cared for on all fronts and we have a new granddaughter and a father in law alive and recovering!  I am also grateful for good, kind and trustful people in our lives like neighbors, friends and even bosses!

Tomorrow is not here and I cannot change the past. Can I accept today as a "present?"

life continues to change

It's Tuesday.  Dena and I are at Michael and Becky's home watching Avery our granddaughter.  The plan is to bring Avery up to the hospital for visits with Mom and Dad in the afternoon.  Becky's heart is hurting as she has never been away from Avery overnight and this has the potential of being MANY nights and lots of hours during the day that she would not be caring for her daughter.  Add the concern of this new baby attempting to arrive 8 weeks early!


Michael sends me a text telling us to wait to bring Avery up to the hospital as Becky is having contractions this morning. At 12:45 I get another text from Michael announcing the birth of their second daughter Haysley Lynn Yohe!  She weighed in at 2lbs 14.6 oz to be exact and is 15 in. long!  Wow, we did not see that coming!!  This young girl was determined to get out and start living! haha!


Michael's boss kindly offers to watch Avery while Dena and I go to Greenville to be with Michael, Becky and Haysley!  We arrive, meet up with Michael for all the details and to our shock get to go see Haysley in the NICU!

resurrection sunday and life changes!

We were eating lunch with Dena's father after celebrating our Lord's resurrection in worship.  Michael, our son, calls to tell us Becky, his wife, went into labor during church services in South Carolina.  She was not due until June 29th!  Becky was in the hospital but going to be transferred to Greenville where facilities are better equipped for this kind of emergency. 

The hope is to give her special drugs to keep her from delivering the baby.  If so, Becky would be in the hospital for 4-6 weeks!!  Michael and Becky also have a 15 month old girl at home.  If the drugs don't work and the baby is delivered the baby would be in the hospital 6-8 weeks! 

We rented a car Sunday evening and drove to South Carolina early Monday morning arriving in the afternoon.  The hospital in Greenville is very nice, modern and the staff caring.  Becky is OK, their toddler is in good hands and Michael's bosses have arranged for him to work from the hospital with a laptop.

As my son posted on his Facebook, "God is still God and God is good!"

its good friday

We went to a Good Friday noon service today.  It was short but the scripture passages alone were worth the being there and pondering anew.  Isaiah 53

to ryan, david, erin and others

These names belong to special people.  People who have gone unnamed for the most part.  While the name of another person is elevated almost to mythical heights.  There is a big difference to me between these names, between these people.

The three I have named here have an ongoing relationship with me.  They are the ones who have loved Renee and included Dena and I in their love.  The other person has no relationship with me or our family.  I have never had a conversation with him.  We have exchanged some heated emails but to this day he has never initiated a conversation or asked us a personal question.

Ryan was there the longest and in the very hard times before Renee broke.  David came at just the right time, almost by divine appointment.  David called when no parent wanted to hear the news he had to bring.  He was there so many hours in the hospitals and other places.  Both these young men loved my daughter as a sister in Christ.  No designs, agenda's or strings.  Erin was there too but I have not known her that much because of distance.

I write this tonight as just the beginning of what I have felt so long and need to say repeatedly.  THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU FOR LOVING OUR DAUGHTER AND FOR LOVING US!  Words will never express the gratitude we feel towards your noble, sacrificial deeds and persistence. 

My desire is that each of you will receive the recognition so deserving and seen as the example of friendship you are while here on earth without detracting one iota from your eternal rewards!

change of title

Three Generations

Well, after my earlier blog today I realized the original title of this blog " i am her father" is not fitting.  The title may be a work in progress but as for now it is "a dad's view."  I do want to write just to hurting parents as well so maybe I will create another blog more narrow in focus.

getting up to speed

So, I am in downtown Orlando today sitting in an open office area on the 17th floor of the Plaza building.  This is the office space used by Bonded Entertainment, Renee's management company. (It's not Renee's company but the company that manages her booking etc.) They have graciously given me permission to work here when I find working from home getting to me.

I don't come everyday.  Parking in downtown Orlando costs $1 per hour and I can't justify spending $6-7 per day to use the office here.  On occasions I have driven from home to a nearby hospital and left my car to take the bus downtown.  It costs $4 per day to do this.  It takes much longer to get to the office but it has it's upside besides the cheaper cost.  It saves gas and tolls as well but also gives me forced time to read on my way to work!  I actually like "...leaving the driving to us"  bus ride.  For those of you not old enough to remember, that was a paraphrase of the Greyhound Bus slogan back in the 50's or 60"s on television commercials!  YES, they actually advertised on TV and the complete slogan was, "Take the bus and leave the driving to us!"

While living in Moscow, Russia we did not have a car but took public transportation everywhere.  I really enjoyed the slower pace of using it even while not necessarily convenient at times.  Driving brings it's own stress to me and the constant need of paying attention to my driving as well as the driving of others.  You have to plan in the day the extra time but again it actually relaxed me to ride and not be in control of the speed in which I may travel.  When I drive I feel the need to "get there" as quickly as possible.  I have power and control to some degree.  I learn from public transportation that surrender can be a good thing and it brings me benefits.

Well, can you see where this is leading me?  Issues of "power," "control," and "surrender" are exactly the issues God brings to my life in my relationship to Him.  They are also mirrored in any recovery work and our steps to sanity.  Surrender of my will (power and control) to God and His will brings the greatest experience of contentment and peace into my life!

enabling

What's it called when I care more about something in someone else's life than they do?  When I try to "help" them because I  don't want negative consequences coming their way. You know, the reminders, hints, FYIs, subtle or not so subtle placement of bills, due dates or even tax related documents in hopes they will want to be as responsible as I think I am.  

So is that the message I am sending?  Be responsible like "responsible me!"  Sounds like a movie title. oh wait, that was "Despicable Me!"    nough said.  

what to call this

I began this blog as a place to talk about hurting parents.  To have a place where a parent can come and get some encouragement while they walk a painful path. 

I haven't stayed with that as far as content goes but have gone in several directions.  So the title of my blog seems too narrow and inappropriate.

So now I wonder... should I change the name?  Should I start another blog to put a variety of thoughts down and keep this one for parents?  Those of you who blog, what do you suggest?

home going

My former co-worker, friend and man of God, Don Hawblitzel, died Sunday morning March 20.  I enjoyed being with Don.  

He had a heart for Christ and a passion to see people all over the world know Him.  

We laughed, ate cheap lunches off the dollar menu at McDonalds and talked about our work.

I will miss him as will so many others who knew this gracious servant of God!

anniversary

March 18, 1978... a beautiful day at Bok Singing Tower in Lake Wales FL.

A beautiful Tower in the background, a beautiful Lilly Garden, beautiful people gathering to observe this beautiful occasion, and of course a beautiful bride!  This beauty is still with me 33 years later!  LG!

some wonderful things...

We are so excited over the new pregnancy of our daughter in love Becky!  Add onto it the ongoing excitement of their young daughter Avery!  She continues to thrill us with her growth.  Each day she is doing more things that make us laugh and marvel at how God designs humans and their path to maturity!

payback

I was reading the book Crazy Love.  This chapter was talking about payback  When doing nice things for people are we doing them only to those who can repay us with similar kindness?  The kicker is we can and will be repaid! Do you want it now or later? 

Lord help me to always want and have it later! 

Luke 14:12-14

two other wonderful children

...as we were talking to a publicist she told us of an event where someone was able to approach the parent (mother) of a well known person. Immediately after the initial comment the parent said, "I have two other wonderful children."

...oh yes, I agree and I also have two other wonderful children!

renee the movie

...last night I was up until 2 am.  That in itself is unusual. But I was also with several hundred others, part of the night life in downtown Orlando. 

i can't believe it!

Five years ago about this time, our daughter entered treatment for the second time.  However, this time God was up to something like we never dreamed.  It felt so good to have her pursuing recovery and safe from all the "hell" she was surrounded with.  I am sure at times it didn't feel like hell to her but to us every minute she was "out there" it was hell!

This week the filming of the movie "Renee" began...just part of the story that has been unfolding for the last five years. God is full of grace, I can't explain it in any other terms!

being still

I have been reading a daily devotional titled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  Today is about being still in Jesus' presence but it was this sentence that "wowed" me.  "Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells."  It is just like God to show Himself in this kind of paradox.

I have a tendency (strong tendency) to push these quiet times away, "waiting impatiently to be active again."

Lord, please remind me that "in returning and in quietness I will be delivered."  Isa. 30:15

...recognize it (tragedy) as the rule rather than the exception.

I am reading a book by Dan Allender titled to be told.  This sentence really got my attention.  "We begin reading the tragedy of our story when we recognize it as the rule rather than the exception."  I experience this but did not really acknowledge it.  I keep wanting to believe tragedy in our lives is the exception but I can look back over my years and find many places of tragedy of various degrees.

Tragedy shapes our character.  Characters welcome!

the "why" behind the title, i am her father.

Several years ago an effort was made to rescue my daughter from destructive decisions she was making at the time. A small group of her peers went boldly into the night and battled (not physically) with her and those around her to ask her to leave and get treatment.

She did leave...the next day...but was refused entrance to the treatment center.  She had fresh wounds on her arms from cutting and lots of alcohol still in her system.

So this small group decided to be with her 24/7 for the days it took till she would be accepted to treatment.  At the conclusion of those days one of the persons among the group was writing some things about those days that ended up being a story and an international movement.

The story and movement is titled To Write Love On Her Arms.  The "her" in the title is my daughter.  I am "her" father. She has a mother, brother and sister.  She has grandparents, an uncle, aunt, several cousins of various numbers like first, second, third etc. She in fact is now an aunt herself. 

I say this because in her rise to notoriety it could easily be forgotten that she was not just deposited on the earth like an orphan.  Rather she is connected to relationships and family and loved by them all before, during and after all the story is told.